One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
