R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
