bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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