Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
