If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
