She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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