I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
