well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
