worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
