I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
