My underwear smells like fireworks.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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