Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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