Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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