even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
