my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
