I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
