adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
