3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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