Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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