Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
