he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
