Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
