Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
So many bounce houses so little time
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
