I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
