the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How does one acquire holy water?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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