He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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