I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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