Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
