It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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