last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
