Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Your tits are I can't wait for
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
