when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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