I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
