How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
