Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
