I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
