my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
