I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
