Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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