It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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