I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
