i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
