Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
