i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
