I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
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