I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
So squirting runs in the family.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
