I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
