i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We have so much sex to catch up on
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
