I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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