walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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