Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
