I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
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