Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
