She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
